The Moment I Decided to Quit Teaching…
Thank you all for the love and care you showed my last blog post. It was my longest and most vulnerable blog post yet, but you all made it the most-visited page on my website :’) In case you missed it, I shared 14 journal entries from last fall when I was a struggling and burnt-out first-year teacher.
This current blog post picks up where the last one left off. This was my next journal entry; instead of following my usual “Future-Self Journaling” prompts, I decided to follow Oh Happy Dani’s “A Good Look” Reflection Guide. It wasn’t easy getting there though. As December 2021 was coming to a close, I realized that I was still completely drained. I had thought that winter break would somehow rejuvenate me—that I’d miraculously feel energized and ready to take on the new year (and second semester). But I couldn’t get myself to do anything… not even the things I typically found so much joy in, like planning my family’s Christmas party. On top of that, it seemed like everyone around me (especially on social media) was ringing in the new year with thoughtful reflections and intentional goals. As for me? I literally rang in the new year by grading my students’ finals after putting it off for two weeks. Winter break was nearing its end and I was feeling deep dread and intense denial. I looked for any way to escape from prepping for second semester—watching a Korean drama (and if you know me, I rarely ever start new shows), chatting with friends, and finally… carving out some time to do a structured reflection. As I mentioned in my last blog post, the big question on my mind this time last year was, “Do I leave my school at the end of the school year?” Unbeknownst to me, I would come out of that journal session with an unexpected answer. Please read with care:
January 2, 2022 (The second to last day of winter break)
My 2021 in Review:
1) In general, the emotion that I feel about this year:
😕 Bleh 😔 Defeated/Overwhelmed 😣 Frustrated 😵💫 Undecided
2) Three moments from 2021 that are worth celebrating:
Getting my first teaching jobs! (Teaching Ethnic Studies & full-time gig!)
Karen & Jim getting engaged~! <3
Ma coming home from hospital + healthy grandparents still with us <3 <3 <3
3) Three memories that I’ll treasure:
Chicago trip over Thanksgiving
Tubing in Leavenworth w/ Doodle
Being able to do a push-up for the first time!
4) People who made this year special :) <3
Ryan
Family
Girls
Friends
Students
Former students
Supportive Followers
Cohort Buddies
5) Quotes/Truths that carried me:
“Take breaks.”
”Say no. Set boundaries.”
“Two things (or more) can be true at the same time.”
6) Three moments that stretched or challenged me:
The reality of full-time teaching
Balancing two jobs
Hard convos with Ryan
Incident with [student] in Block 2
Feedback from [student]
7) Lessons I’ve learned this year:
I can’t do it all and that’s okay.
This profession is inherently unsustainable.. the system is not designed to support teachers. It’s designed to exploit teachers and use “passion” to encourage overworking.
Hustle culture & teacher guilt are deeply ingrained in society and in me. And it’s an active battle to try to fight it. And to seek happiness. Idk if I can.
My support system closest to me is supportive.
I’m my own worst critic…
8) Causes/issues that mattered a lot to me:
Advocating for well-being/mental health/open and honest communication
Education/caring for teachers & students
Intentional living
9) Ways that I aimed to help others:
Teaching: teach students in an engaging and clear way that helps build their own confidence, self-efficacy, and understanding
Honesty & Vulnerability: I’m imperfect. Trying to figure out life. Bring authenticity & vulnerability into spaces.. we’re all trying.
10) One word that described this year:
Turning point (2 words, I know).
11) Three words that describe today’s version of myself:
Mindset shift/adjusted
Realistic??
Indecisive
2021 in Review - Additional Space:
My Word for 2022… <3
What is my heart longing for in the New Year:
Clarity…. Rest…. Joy… Happiness…. Acceptance…. Progress…. Putting myself first….
Making decisions not driven by guilt or external expectations…. Grace….
Longing for more time to do things I enjoy…. videos… dancing… working out…
Moving away from daily dread & incompetency… want to feel fulfilled & joy from the process of my work…
Areas I’d like to grow:
Not be as impulsive
Work smarter, not longer/harder
Be honest & make decisions that future me will thank me for (even if it’s saying no to boba)
Ways to heal/flourish:
Be confident in who I am & what I’m doing - the proudness & joy & fulfillment should come from me. Not others.
Be honest, open, don’t let fear & comparison & inferiority drive me.
In 2022, I’d like to be able to describe myself as:
Someone who made a difficult decision because she put herself first. Someone who did the hard things & succeeded. Someone who believes in herself.
Quotes that are stirring my heart <3:
“Life is too short to feel daily dread.”
Set boundaries. Listen to your body & mind.
“Happiness is NOT a bonus on the side. It is the main point. Happiness is the priority in this life.”
Life can be silly as well.
We are the only ones who get to decide if we’re a failure.
Mental health matters as much as physical health.
Putting ourselves first is not selfish—even if society will make us feel like it is.
One step at a time.
No need to have it all figured out at this moment.
I am capable. NO matter what it is I’m doing (career-wise), I have the ability to impact others positively.
My needs matter too. This life is mine.
Word Dump…
Happiness
Progress
Prioritize myself
Me.
Choose the opposite of dread.
Boundaries.
Top 3 Words…
Me.
Happiness.
Boundaries.
…
And then I put my pen down…
and sat there for a bit… staring at the 3 words that I had written down…
“Me… Happiness… Boundaries…”
…
I felt so many things at once: a sinking feeling in my stomach, weight being lifted off my shoulders, and the most intense wave of anxiety, realization, liberation, and fear crashing over me.
It sounds like I should quit my job…now????
But, should I? Could I?
With my trembling hands, I called Ryan to talk through my sudden revelation.
I can’t quite remember the details of the phone call, but I do know that I came out of it having decided to quit my job immediately. And with just one day left of winter break, I knew I wanted to talk through my decision with three more people: my sister and two of my friends who had also left the classroom before me. Mid-way through my call with Ryan, I messaged my sister:
LOL I know it may sound hella dramatic, but that’s legitimately how I felt. I was so SCARED. The thought of leaving my dream job—the only job I’ve ever truly considered… the job I had spent my entire life working towards… the entire reason I spent tens of thousands of dollars at Harvard for—before I even finished my very first school year… was incredibly terrifying.
I didn’t know if I could actually do it.
At this point, my body and brain were exhausted. I desperately wanted to sleep and tackle everything the next morning, but my mind and anxiety had other plans.
I think I ended up sleeping for two hours that night because by 7:00AM, I was already messaging my friends.
Thankfully, the next day (January 3rd) was filled with supportive, helpful, and much-needed conversations. And then came the big day.
I know it may seem like the only feelings that should come after quitting a job that made me stressed, depressed, and burnt out are happiness and relief, but things are rarely ever so black and white. I was right in that quitting would leave me with a myriad of emotions—both positive and negative. Two days before I announced it publicly on social media, I messaged Ryan:
And it’s true. That was just the beginning of a rocky road (one of many). It’s almost a year later, and I still feel so many different things when it comes to my decision to leave and the decision of whether or not to return to the classroom. I’m still undecided. I still have mixed feelings. But a few things I know for sure are:
I made the right decision to quit when I did.
The decision to quit was only made possible because of the growth, learning, and unlearning that took place during my first semester in the classroom.
I’m so thankful for my part-time job at Plaine Products (I probably wouldn’t have quit teaching if I didn’t have another source of income).
The process would have been so much more difficult had I not received support from those closest to me. (I know this because in the couple of instances where I received unsupportive messages, the way my body responded was telling).
Telling people was terrifying (my colleagues, my administration, my family, my friends, the online world).
I’m so happy I returned to the classroom to teach Ethnic Studies in the summer.
There are many things I love about teaching and there are many things I don’t love about teaching.
And while I was cleaning out my room a few months later, I found a piece of paper from college (2015-2016). As part of an activity for a teaching extra-curricular I was a part of, we were asked to write down our biggest fears. We then had to pass our papers around and have our peers respond to our fears. Re-reading this page led me to another realization: The fact that I quit teaching was truly a testament of my own growth. With that one decision, I simultaneously faced my fear of failure, my fear of being a disappointment, and my fear of judgment. (We’re still working on the fear of death and animals lol).
I left my classroom on January 10, 2022, and as I shared on social media at that time, “for the first time in six months, I woke up and didn’t feel stress and dread loom over me. I felt a sense of peace and hope, and I felt so proud for having the courage to put myself first.”
Peace, hope, and courage were indeed present in 2022, but this year was also filled with challenges and darkness like I’ve never experienced before. Due to reasons I don’t feel comfortable sharing, there were days, nights, and months on end where I felt unsafe and extremely anxious. And I didn’t realize just how detrimental the loss of security and safety would be on my mental and physical health. There were days when I could not eat nor sleep, days when my mind and body were so easily triggered, days when I had to call a friend to stay with me, nights when I had to sleep with my parents, and many moments when my heart rate would skyrocket when I stepped out of my house alone. On those difficult days, I kept telling myself, “there’s no way I would have been able to handle it had I still been teaching.” Things are not fully better, but they are better. And in the hardest of times—both last year and this year—I’m thankful to have leaned on my loved ones for support, and to have taken baby steps to take care of myself and regain some agency amidst the instability. Above all, I am thankful that I have truly spent this year prioritizing my three words: Me. Happiness. Boundaries.
However you’re wrapping up 2022, I hope that you can prioritize yourself, too. And that may look different for everyone. Maybe it’s by reflecting, maybe it’s by binge watching a show, maybe it’s by unplugging from social media, maybe it’s by reconnecting with others, maybe it’s by sleeping in, maybe it’s by wearing that outfit that you’ve been thinking about, maybe it’s by doing that thing, or maybe it’s by doing nothing. “Rest is not the opposite of getting things done. It’s the catalyst for getting things done.”
The end of a year and the beginning of a new one doesn’t need to look a certain way. No matter what some long, sentimental blog post says (hehe). I hope you do you what feels right for you. Happy Holidays 💛
But in case you are a teacher and are looking to completely unplug from lesson planning this winter break, here’s a lesson plan idea for the first couple of days back. This is the very last lesson plan that I prepped for my students (to do with their sub during the week after I left). I checked in with them the days after and they said they really enjoyed the reflection :)
Lesson Plan: “A Look Back / Word for 2023”
Complete the reflection packet yourself beforehand.
Go through the reflection packet prompts/questions with students so they know what to expect.
Give students time to complete the reflection packet (I’d recommend giving them at least one full day in class to do it—this will help ease them (and you!) back into school after break).
On a big poster, write “Our words for 2023” and write your three words down.
Once students are all finished with the packet, have them spend some time sharing their 2022 words and reflections in small groups. While students are sharing, walk around and join in on group discussions. (Maybe you can have them choose 1 prompt/question they’d like to share out to their group - encourage them to share as much or as little as they’d like. I think this would work best if you modeled vulnerability first and shared out one of your responses to the entire class).
Have each student grab a marker and write their words on the poster.
Reflect and debrief the activity as a class. (One of my favorite sentence stems for debriefing personal activities are to give students the sentence stems “I notice…” “I wonder…” “I appreciate…” I usually give them some time to jot their answers down and then ask several people to share out. This would also work really well if you use Padlet—this way everyone’s responses can be seen!)
Hope that helps! You got this <3 This winter break is yours.
If you have ideas or resources you’d like to see from me in 2023, please let me know. I’m here to support you :)
