Diaries of a Struggling First-Year Teacher / an Anxious 26 Year Old
It’s been a while since I’ve pulled out my journal… but yesterday, I received a YouTube comment that reminded me of how difficult this season is for teachers. October is a never-ending month with no holidays, then November teases with a Thanksgiving break that just isn’t quite long enough, and then the last few weeks are a slow and painful crawl to winter break where you’ll try your very best to recharge for the second semester. The comment explained it pretty well: “Omg I'm a first year high school teacher too and this is so freaking relevant! I also can't think beyond the next day, always trying to survive today, to keep my head above water. Teaching has completely consumed my life and idk what to do.”
I also happened to have some down time on a Sunday night with not much to do (a blessed feeling that was nonexistent when I was teaching), so I dove back into my old entries and relived the memories, thoughts, emotions, insecurities, challenges, hopes, and worries that consumed my mind a year ago.
I always say that one of my favorite things about myself is how reflective I am and how much effort I put into documenting my life for myself. Our memories truly do fade, and if we don’t document—whether it be photos, videos, voice memos, journals—it is so difficult to remember exactly how we felt or what we thought in those seemingly mundane moments that make up our lives.
So I thought that I’d share snippets of my journal entries in case they can serve as either a window or a mirror for you and your experiences.
For some context, I used the “Future-Self Journaling” questions to structure many of my entries (as seen in Jenn Im’s video). The seven prompts are:
Daily Affirmation
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of…
I am grateful for…
Three traits my future self will have…
The person I’m becoming will experience more…
I have the opportunity to be my future self when I…
When I think about the person I’m becoming, I feel…
Let’s dive back to Fall 2021. I didn’t really know it at the time, but I was a depressed and burnt out first-year high school teacher (and part-time Social Media Manager) who was struggling HARD to find balance, peace, confidence, and clarity. The big question on my mind was: Do I quit [this school] at the end of the school year? (I was convinced that the school I was at might not be a good fit, but was terrified of making the wrong choice. I was terrified at the realization that I wasn’t happy when I had finally reached the career that I had worked so hard and so long for. I was confused, stressed, and dreadful... but I tried finding pockets of joy and rest where I could).
August 29, 2021
Daily Affirmation: You are doing hard things, Na.. so it’s going to be hard. Teaching a full set of classes in person, after online/hybrid learning, with no real experience like this prior, at a new school with new types of students, two different preps, lesson planning, unit planning, classroom management, early mornings… it’s all so hard. History is a difficult subject to teach too. But you’ve made it 2.5 weeks. You’ve cried, but you’ve also had meaningful moments with students… chatting to L about her project, comforting C as he cried, L and the restorative circle, K and the couch, F and helping guide her writing… you are not perfect and you can’t be the best for every single student, but you’re trying hard/doing good so far/will keeping pushing on… even if it feels impossible.
I am grateful for… so much. Dad for ironing my clothes right now when he has nothing to iron. Mom for all the hugs, kisses, check-ins because she knows I’m going through a hard time, and is helping with food, dishes, and moral support. Ryan for truly being there to listen to everything—rants, rambles, teaching 24/7, crying, stress… and just accepting, loving, being flexible, and being my rock. Teachers at school—Andrew, Paty, Erick, Chelsea, Jeremy, Josh for all the help, support, encouragement, reminders. Truly the silver lining. TEP Friends: Noor, Denise, Kacey, Ryann, Ruth… even the small messages. My friends for understanding I’m going through a tough time. Jeh for the hugs while she was here. Cousins and fam for caring too.
I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I… am being present and enjoying the moment and company of others instead of dwelling on work. Enjoy family time and Jeff’s party instead of seeing it as a stressor because it cuts time from work. (2022 blog-writing Katrina: even though I wrote these things, it wasn’t easy to truly think, feel, and do the things I wrote).
When I think about the person I’m becoming, I feel… emotional. lost. uncertain. a bit fearful because I don’t know how messy the “becoming” journey will get. I hope I can be more proud of myself. This is adulthood (barely… still at home being a baby). This is the career. I’ve reached my goal and boy, it’s hard. But I think I can do it… even if the answer at the end is that I’ll want to leave the school/profession… it’s all a part of the journey.
September 26, 2021
Today I will shift my pattern of… feeling like I need to get everything done. It’s okay if not all the gov summative presentations get graded… it’s okay if you aren’t following [your colleagues’] plans to a tee. Shift the way that I view what students need this year… start Unit 2 with a check-in discussion…
The person I’m becoming will experience more…
1. struggle - life is going to get harder, busier, overwhelming, but all these current/past struggles will make me more equipped to tackle future challenges
2. ups & downs - stress doesn’t help my mood… but it’s important to remember that things will not be forever. My funks will end (take a shower!) and just because one good moment/restful moment is ending doesn’t mean there will not be another. There will be better moments and there will also be crappy moments.
3. wisdom/toolbelt - even on my phone call with [friend] or when I’m hearing [cousin] talk about her [teacher friend], it makes me realize just how much I’ve already learned/failed/learned in the last 1.5 months. It’s been rough, but there’s already significant growth and lessons learned.
When I think about the person I’m becoming, I feel… proud. <3 Keep going, Na.
October 10, 2021
Daily Affirmation: You’re introspective and willing to do things that may help you even if it seems cliche/cringey… like saying outloud what you’re grateful for, vocally hyping yourself up, etc. You’re trying. Trying for your students and trying for yourself.
Today I will shift my pattern of… trying to do work for school without being in “deep work” mode. Fuck LOL. I have a FOTIP (New Teacher Induction Program) assignment due today.
I am grateful for…
The beautiful weather today. Sunny… not too hot/cold. I walked 3k steps when I woke up :)
This 3-day weekend <3 Much needed.
Moving past the phase of friendship where it wasn’t certain if we cared about each other. Even if my friendships aren’t looking the same as some we see on social media, they are warm <3
Ryan for being someone I can count on for almost everything. Understands my sensitivities.
Three traits my future self will have…
A true understanding of how precious my time is and the ability to act accordingly
Someone who is happy with what my type of life looks like. It may be more “boring” than others, but if it doesn’t feel that way to me, who cares?
Believing in myself and having more self-efficacy—that I can do hard things and do them well even if it doesn’t look like someone else. I am on my own pace/lane.
The person I’m becoming will experience more… happiness. Being in the present moment. Understanding/being satisfied with myself and my life.
I have an opportunity to be my future self… when I see others and still feel confident with where I’m at.
When I think of the person I’m becoming, I feel… a bit impatient. Hopeful… and a bit hopeless. Can it happen? Or is this just life?
October 17, 2021
Daily Affirmation: You’re getting better at accepting the very important idea of “putting yourself first.” You’re not where you want to be, but you’re being more forgiving towards yourself and listening to your body… sort of. Yesterday night you were tired so you turned off the lights and went to bed (chilled with Ry) at 8pm. But then you went on the phone after he left til 11 something… You’re fluctuating between better/worse habits… but I guess not beating yourself as much over not being “perfect” in the moment.
Today I will shift my pattern of… feeling like I need to have everything planned/mapped/figured out in this moment. There will be many things that may feel clearer as time goes on… there won’t be a perfect option and tbh, maybe leaving [school] (if I do) will not be the best decision, but I’m trying to trust my gut a bit more and see what comes when it does. For now, how can I be better at being present and cherishing where I am now? Even if just a little…
I am grateful for…
TEP Friends. [Friend 1] who just messaged me because she saw my post about leaving the school and asks if I want to call/chat about school transitions sometimes… [Friend 2] who is always affirming and supportive… [Friend 3] who is sending me a book :( <3 Just so much support and love from these women who are also going through so much…
Fam/friends (parents, Jeh, Ry, girls): for being so supportive of my decision to potentially leave [school/teaching]. It’s so scary to have and to navigate these feelings… and I can’t imagine how much harder it’d be if those closest to me were disappointed/unsupportive.
Three traits my future self will have…
being better at protecting my peace and knowing what that looks like
honoring and understanding my personal style :) feeling confident in what I wear and the clothes that make up my wardrobe
being more curious? I know I’m not very curious… but maybe I can find just a couple of things to dive deeper into (one day)
The person I’m becoming will experience more… Acceptance that my circle/community may not be as big as others. Gratitude because even still, I have a mighty little circle who are there for me. Being happy with whatever Katrina Stacie looks like.. engagement/growth is small, but even after the community shoutouts yesterday, I had some really meaningful DMs.
October 18, 2021: Positive things about work (because I really needed to remind myself of the positives)
Even after the annoying office hours, it seems like [student] is warming back up to me (?) and has been spilling/ranting to me. I think this is a reminder for me not to take things personally, she was upset/anxious… and failing my class.
I think for the most part, my students have a really good impression of me. I hesitate to say that they have a good impression of my class… but it does feel like we’re often on the same side.
No complaints from admin/parents so far which is a good sign
I’ve been accommodating to students’ IEPs/504s and they seem to appreciate that (even though it’s the rule, doesn’t seem like it’s always the case)
I’m able to laugh/joke with my students :)
Some students who don’t typically participate are doing so :) [Student 1, Student 2]
So many students say bye/thank you as they leave <3
Civics Projects progress is exciting and I love hearing students give each other shoutouts
Peaceful office hours :) (except tomorrow)
Cool colleagues who are understanding, supportive, checking in, but give me the space I need without judgment
For the most part, most students are engaged and do their work
[Both your TAs] help you out
Reminders for Nana <3 (I was having a really hard time this day and just needed to write down reminders. I then took a picture of this page and set it as my phone lockscreen)
You are doing enough.
It’s okay to feel emotional. It’s okay to not know exactly what or why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It will pass.
Life is hard, but you can do hard things.
Lean into your support circle. Communicate your thoughts/needs.
Take breaks. You are doing enough. You are enough. Make time for you. Have things to look forward to.
Beginnings and transitions are hard… but you’ve conquered so many hurdles that felt impossible.
Come up with a plan and action step for your goals (but give yourself a grace period if needed before doing this)
Take care of yourself. You matter.
Set boundaries. Say no. Trust your gut.
October 19, 2021
Daily affirmation: You are actively trying to rewrite your mindset. It’s hard and there are definitely waves… but today was a better day. In the morning, you gave yourself the green light to play around with glittery eyeliner and a low bun… you tried a new outfit. Class went pretty well and you’re giving yourself this down time before dinner. You are really trying to take care of yourself and get to a better place.
Today I will shift my pattern of… feeling like I need to justify every gut feeling or decision. I shouldn’t need a laundry list of reasons to quit [school at the end of the year]. Me not being happy/not feeling right should be reason enough (or my reasons thus far should be enough). I need to stop letting fear keep me in my comfort zone that makes me unhappy. “Fear of not finding a job in time.” “Fear of ending up in a worse school.”
Three traits my future self will have: Saying “No” will come easily and more naturally. Being more in tune with my body—when do I feel that sinking gut feeling/the weight lifting feeling, and how can I let that inform my mental decisions (see previous blog post for context).
The person I’m becoming will experience more… self-induced moments of joy throughout my days—not just on Fridays.
I have an opportunity to be my future self when I… take the time for myself and not beat myself up over doing “nothing.” I deserve “nothing time” as Ry says.
When I think of my future self, I feel… happy and hopeful 🥺
October 24, 2021
Daily affirmation: I’m honest with how I am feeling/doing. I’m not in a good place right now and I acknowledge that. I think I’m burnt out and my physical/mental/emotional health are declining as a result. I’m less motivated, stalling, dreadful, and just want to quit. But I’d like to be in a better place…
Three traits my future self will have:
being able to better articulate my own feelings
calling myself out on destructive behavior patterns
more self-compassion… :( <3
The person I’m becoming will experience more… hardships and challenges, breakthroughs, reflective moments, growth, joy with loved ones.
I have the opportunity to be my future self when I… make time for me.
When I think of my future self, I feel… proud, emotional, impatient :(
October 27, 2021 6:26am
Hello! It’s morning LOL Am I going to be late?
Daily affirmation: You are hard working. You’re trying your best and doing a good job. You’re getting better and growing… Balance is a goal and a journey.
Today I’m shifting my pattern of… not going to follow this sentence stem, but I’m just going to keep being honest when people ask how I am. I’m okay.. Not great, not good (there are good moments though).
I am grateful for:
Fuzzy blanket
Block schedule
Parents :) Gonna take them to sushi on Thursday
Three traits my future self will have:
More of a morning person? hehe :) Don’t write yourself off, Na! You’re journaling at 6am!
Someone who doesn’t give up right away
Someone who believes in herself and that things will work out <3
When I think of my future self, I feel… proud, and also tired rn LOL Let’s have a good day, Na <3 You worked hard on the summative and your students need to pull their weight too.
October 29, 2021 4:53pm at nail salon because it’s my monthly treat to myself
Daily Affirmation: You’re getting better at taking care of yourself AND your students are appreciating the work you’re putting in.
Today I will shift my pattern of… focusing only on the negatives of teaching. There are so many little and big meaningful moments and honestly a lot of people at school (students, staff, admin) are doing the right thing.
I am grateful for:
Students who respect my privacy enough to not keep talking/asking about my personal life?? LOL Except [student] who blurts it out, “Don’t you see her youtube channel! Half of her videos have her boyfriend!”
Admin who sent an email reminding us to reduce the workload for our kids and ourselves.
Myself for being in a better mental space for the second half of this week :)
Three traits my future self will have:
Confident enough with my teaching that I’m not feeling inferior or pressured to fit in with a style that just doesn’t feel authentic with the way I teach? Even if it is “better” practice?
Patience… more patience with others and more importantly myself (and technology)
A better conversation partner… listen more and don’t listen to respond only
The person I’m becoming will experience more… emotional/mental conflict about whether to stay or leave [school]???
I have an opportunity to be my future self when I… just focus on my classroom/students instead of always comparing myself to other teachers. I can have my own teacher philosophy (that I’m working on)
When I think about my future self, I feel… hopeful <3 <3 <3 maybe I can sustain all these different hats.
November 4, 2021 6:04pm Internet is down -_-
Daily Affirmation: You have pretty good relationships with your students. They like you, seem to be enjoying your class, and you’ve seen those lightbulb moments go off :) You’re on a journey to get better mentally & you found a therapist <3 Yay :)
Today I will shift my pattern of… going on my phone if my body is so ready to sleep!
I am grateful for:
90 minute prep blocks
Block schedules
A school that doesn’t have crazy stories like I see on @teachermisery
Slow office hours days
Getting kicked out at 2:35pm :)
A commute that is local and podcasts
Ryan, Dad, Mom
My students who are thoughtful and engaged
Three traits my future self will have:
being able to brush things off in order to protect my peace
being able to better identify my feelings/emotions
more confidence with myself as a teacher :( :( I can use ideas and not be a knockoff :( I also need to care less :)
November 26, 2021 10:53pm Friday of Thanksgiving Break.. 2 more days :(
Daily Affirmation: It’s going to be tough going back to work on Monday, but you got this. No need to freak out… even if you’re not 100% prepped, it’ll be okay. You can handle and get through it. Your students like you mostly and are engaged… this break is yours <3 I’m glad you found some time for true non-working rest.
Today I will shift my pattern of… being quick to compare. Or at least, take a pause and step back. What do I have? Follower # isn’t everything.
December… forgot the date
Daily affirmation: You should protect your peace. This life isn’t about pushing yourself to the point where you can’t take it (physically, mentally, emotionally), but to enjoy life, spend time with loved ones, grow and love yourself, and hopefully to find peace with the life for me.
Today I will shift my pattern of… forcing myself/putting myself in uncomfortable positions out of obligation (if possible). Choosing me.
December 8, 2021 5:30pm
Daily Affirmation: You’re doing a great job and so many of the decisions/mindset shifts you’ve taken are indications of growth and pivots :) [Colleague] said I should be proud of my pivot with Unit 1 Summative (read this blog post for the backstory). “Many veteran teachers wouldn’t have made that decision, so the fact that you did in your first unit of your first year is something to be proud of.”
Today, I will shift my pattern of… always feeling miserable as the night ends. Cherish the good parts of the day and end on a grateful note <3
Three traits my future self will have… affirm myself before/in addition to external affirmations/validation.
And we’ll stop there for now.
(The next journal entry I did was my 2021 end-of-the-year reflection… that was the journal entry that led me to quit my teaching job. Please let me know in the comments if you enjoyed these journal entries and would like me to share more.)
Although I’m a year removed from these journal entries, reading them truly brought me back in time and I felt myself tearing up when Ryan read over this blog draft and said, “Man, these journal entries are sad. You were trying so hard to think positively…” I was in a dark spot and even though there were real moments of joy and gratitude, the negative emotions would come right back to consume me.
In many ways, I’m the same Katrina who was writing in these journals… yet I’m also so different. There have been so many subtle changes in the last year that have led to such immense growth. And while I’m still searching for clarity and confidence a year later, I’m in a much better place as I’m doing so.
I once heard a quote, “One day, you’ll get through what you’re going through now and it’ll become part of someone else’s survival kit.” I don’t quite think my diary is a survival guide and I’m certainly not telling you to go and quit your job, but I do hope that if you’ve found a way to relate to my journals… it’s a reminder that you’re not alone. Although it may not necessarily make anything “better,” I have come to learn that feeling “seen” does have its own comforting magic.
I hope that whatever you’re going through, you know that your feelings are valid. Maybe you’re in a good place—I hope you can celebrate that. Maybe you’re struggling, yet finding yourself feeling guilty because there’s so much to be grateful for… or because there are others who have it harder than you. I hope that this can be a gentle reminder that our feelings are valid. Just because someone else has it harder does not mean that our situation cannot be hard. Just because we’re in a rough place does not mean there cannot also be moments of joy. Just because we know one thing to be true does not mean we cannot experience conflicting feelings. Whether you’re feeling burnt out, struggling with work, constantly comparing yourself with others, dealing with imposter syndrome, seeking clarity, feeling lost, making progress, finding and creating moments of joy, protecting your peace, or anything else… here’s a warm hug for the winter season ahead.
Thank you so much for reading :) Would love to hear your thoughts below.
Edit: This is a very vulnerable blog post and I am honestly in tears as I read over my journals. All I thought about was my job, my students. And maybe I cared too much. But I didn’t really know another way to be. I really did try to bring myself to a better place so that I could finish out the school year with them… and although it broke my heart, in the end, I chose myself. I don’t regret my choice, but it was not an easy one. Thankful that my students saw and understood that as well <3
The next journal entry was… the moment I decided to quit teaching.
